I've realized that ...

I don't like to photograph people. Today I was spending some time looking at other peoples photo sites/blogs. I am wanting to start to utilize my awesome camera and learn all the tricks and tips. As I was looking at the many different sites I realized that the sites of the photographers that photograph mostly people really bore me. I mean, there are some really talented and amazing people out there that take amazing photo's and we all need family, Senior year, wedding, baby, etc photo's right .... so that's a good thing. I have a dear friend who just started her own photography business. She does great work, but really a good photographer is a dime a dozen in my book. There are just so many people with great equipment that learn to take good photo's and start a business. I don't have the desire to do that at all.

The sites that really intrigued me where the ones that shot non-human subjects and if there is a person in the shoot it's a candid shoot. It started me thinking about the photo's that I take and how I tend to enjoy taking pictures of animals or nature so much more. It's always great getting an awesome picture of my kids as well, but I tend to be more naturally drawn to non human subjects.

I want to start spending some time practicing my picture taking. The best times of the day are truly early morning with the morning sunlight and in the evenings when the sun is setting ... or about to. I like using natural lighting as much as possible and the lighting at these times of day is soft and gentle and less harsh then the direct blaze of the day time sunlight.

Where we live it's pretty rural and there are mornings that I have wanted to take my camera and hit the road bright and early in the morning. Just me alone driving where ever for an hour or so taking pictures of whatever looks interesting. I need to DO THAT and stop just thinking about doing that.

That's my problem ... there are a lot of things that I "WANT" to do, that I never get around to doing. I need to stop living my life on the sidelines.

Today I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble and look at some photography and blog magazines and then stop at Target. I didn't end up doing any of that. Instead my husband and I just went to the grocery store and then back home. Boring !!!!! I'm tired of doing the same old shit all the time. I need to start changing that up a bit.

So I've spend a lot of time the past couple days thinking about this blog and what I want it to be. I think I just want it to be whatever it turns out to be. A place where I can come and just be me and say what I truly feel and share who I am creating myself to be.

That's such a clique isn't it ..... Create who you want to be ...  but it is really true I am finding. I have lived this married life for nearly 17 years and been a mom for more then 15 years. I love all that, don't get me wrong, but unless I add into this life what I need to add into it, for myself, it's never going to be more then what it's been all these years. And while all that is good .... it's just not enough for me anymore. I am needing more of my own identity. I'm excited about it really, my life is good. I do have the normal ..... My husband is getting on my last nerve moments and my kids won't stop fighting and my house is a freaking mess moments .... but in the grand scheme of things I am blessed beyond measure and I totally realize that thankfully. I am also thankful that at this point I have realized that what I need in my life to make me happy is something constructive and good that will fill me with good things, constructive things and things that I can be proud of and mostly things that will glorify God and not things like lies and affairs and spending so much money I almost bankrupt my family.  Yea, been there, done that and don't ever want to go there again.

Its enough that my affair ended 5 months ago and there are still more times then I like that I am still thinking of him and wondering how he can not contact me. Is he thinking of me at all? Does he ever?  Not that it matters and I AM glad it's over .... but there are still those moments. It is what it is,  I can't help how I feel or think. I do know that it's not as intense as it used to be and this tells me that in time it will be gone completely and I look forward to that day. As much as I hope I never comes back is as much as I wish at times that he would just so that I could turn him away and let him know that I don't want him anymore, need him anymore or want him in my life. Affairs .... they are a sick twisted thing.  I'm so glad I'm done with that life.

Off to fire up the grill to make dinner for my family .... Dinner tonight is grilled chicken, grilled potatoes and a veggie (not sure which one yet). It's been a nice weekend even though I didn't get to B&N or Target. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. And maybe I'll take some photo's tomorrow and share how that goes here as well.

New beginnings ... Sort of

First of all I must say up front that I have created this blog separate from my "real life".  I want to be transparent and real here. I want to speak what is on my heart openly and freely.

For the past 6 months or so I've been very consumed with who I am and where I am heading. As a middle aged women (mid 40's), wife and mother I am happy with my life. I truly am. BUT ...... I'm bored. That's hard to say really though .... how can I be bored as a mother to a teenager and a tween. Life is always busy, the house always needs to be cleaned and I'm always running here or there for one thing or another. Maybe bored is the wrong word .... hmmmm ...... I'm not sure what word to use. Maybe one word isn't enough. Maybe I'm just needing a little more for ME.

I don't want to make the wrong impression here. I'm not unhappy with my life. In fact, I'm rather blessed and aware of it. I wouldn't change a thing, at this point, (although a few years ago things weren't so great) I love being a mom and wife. I love my faith and my activities that I participate in with my life. But I think that it's just not ENOUGH anymore. So although I love what I have .... I am needing more.

More for ME. More things that interest me, something to learn, something to do, something to share. I have had such a deep desire to write for many years, but I don't consider myself a writer. I don't write well. My thoughts are all over the place, my grammar is horrible and to be honest I have no idea if anyone even really cares what I have to say.

I found this amazing gal on line. She is a writer and she teaches people how to tell their story. You always hear that right ..... Everyone has a story to tell. Yea, well I'm sure I have a story to tell as well, but that doesn't mean that anyone really wants to hear it .... right?! Although she swears that out there somewhere there is at least ONE person that will benefit from hearing your story. I'm not even so sure that I am writing for anyone else other then myself. Although if I can bless even one other by my story then I am happy for that.

I've made mistakes, I've done stupid things that I regret. Things that I am still feeling the negative effects from, but also these things needed to happen in order for my marriage and person to become better and stronger from. Much was learned from these things and I count that as a blessing.

So when I write here I want to write openly. I want to just say what's on my mind for myself and for who ever happens to stumble upon this and needs to hear what I had to say that day.

Another issue with having a blog that is separate from real life is that I can't be totally open about who I am in the way of names, locations and photos, but to me .... I also couldn't imagine writing without leaving some of my real self behind. So I am going to try and insert bits and peaces of "me" here in a subtle sort of way so that it's not to dry and impersonal here.

So with that said, what is the goal here? Well, I guess the goal is to just begin. Begin doing, saying and creating a better version of me. Begin learning what I need to learn to make my life more fulfilling. To begin finding what those things even happen to be really. The writing will come as I discover along this journey. I have a short list of things that I like and deep thoughts on many a personal things going on in my life that I will share here. What are some of these beginning things ...

~ Writing - I so desire to inspire others
~ Photography - I have an awesome camera, it's a shame not to use it well and to take      amazing memories of my children. I want to learn to take beautiful pictures that I can share, even here.
~ Living Naturally - Brings me peace and I need to do this more.
~ Inner Serenity - I need this to stay sane and I need to work on making this more evident in my life and who I am.
~ Living & Being Gentle - Goes hand in hand with Inner Serenity for me
~ Helping another along the way (my husband, my children, my friends, a stranger).

So join me if you will at the beginning of this journey I'm on to find out where I need to be and as I share much of the journey that I have already been on and why THAT makes me need THIS all the more.